Can't or Won't?

Last week was tough. Really tough. Izzy and I didn't have much on the calendar last week... just tutoring and speech therapy. While it was nice to have a low key week, it meant lots of one-on-one time for me and Izz. That's a blessing and a curse. We LOVE our long summer days together; however, we often get to that point, usually this time in mid-July, where we're driving each other crazy! And it didn't help that Greg had to work late every single day last week!

Hanging out after Izz
survived the hibachi dinner!

To celebrate making it through this tough week, Greg thought we should try out the new hibachi restaurant down the road. Years ago, we took Izz to a place like this and she freaked out... lots of sounds and, of course, flaming cooktops! We were seated next to another family of three, and thankfully, the little boy was Izzy's age. She always rises to the occasion when she's around her peers! As we looked at the menu, Izzy's head whipped around and she opened her eyes wide to take in her surroundings. Greg and I looked at each other and didn't have to say a word. Oh crap is what we were both thinking. Izz was having a tough time processing all that was happening in the room. As the hibachi chef made his way to our table, Izz scooted her chair backward. She was preparing for the craziness right in front of her face. She really did a great job of keeping it under control. She stayed calm and even clapped for the guy when he made an onion volcano! As soon as she saw that I had finished my food, she asked to go outside. I took her outside to escape the sensory overload and left Greg to pay the check. As soon as we got outside, I could see the relief on her face. What happened in there was absolutely out of her control.

Then, on Sunday morning, Izzy wanted donuts. As I pulled into Shipley's she began to fuss and whine. She refused to get out of the car. I was not sure what was going on, so I reminded her that she could go home and have cereal instead of donuts if she didn't want to get out... so, reluctantly, she got out of the car and proceeded to stomp her way to the door of Shipley's. I stopped her and had her get back in the car. Seriously?! I thought. What is she doing? I said, "I am not taking you into the donut shop with you acting like that! Little girls that have bad attitudes don't get donuts for breakfast; you can have cereal when we get home." The crying that followed was awful. I let her cry, and I thought about possible triggers; did something set her off or was she just being a bratty kid? There were no triggers! This was a case of something Izzy wouldn't do; she refused to change her bad attitude. Oh, she could have; it's just that she refused!

Excellent book!

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with autism is understanding "can't" versus "won't". There are many things that Izzy cannot do (she is not able to do those things). She cannot process all of the sounds and visuals when she's in sensory overload. There are other things, like a typical kid, that she will not do (she chooses not to do these things). For example, her little fit at Shipley's. I've been perusing through the book Ten Things Every Child With Autism Wishes You Knew by Ellen Notbohm, and there's an entire chapter dedicated to understanding just this. As soon as I got home from the donut shop, I picked up the book and skimmed over the chapter again. It is so, so hard to stay calm and patient when Izzy is having a meltdown, but it really helps when I can understand a little better what she's going through. When I can determine if it's a "can't" or a "won't", then I can approach it in the way that's best for Izz. Another powerful nugget of wisdom from this chapter:

All behavior is communication. 

All behavior happens for a reason. 

There is always a motive. I'm always going ten steps backward to look for a trigger. Oh, we knew what was going on at the Hibachi place... and that didn't result in a meltdown! As for the Shipley's incident... I went back, and back, and back... nothing was out of the ordinary, and she was just being a hormonal pre-teen! It's so tough to be a parent and tell your child to get back in the car... especially when you want donuts, too. I'm learning that there's nothing about parenting that's easy... and it's usually much tougher than not getting donuts on a Sunday morning!

Bearded Lady & Pink-haired Lady Girl

Understanding the difference between "can't" and "won't" not only helps me to better help and understand Izzy, but also the language that I use when discussing her abilities can help others perceive her accurately. Words are powerful. As Izzy's biggest cheerleader, it's important to me that others understand her and support her in this adventure. While there are times when Izzy can't do something -- she is unable to do it in that setting for a particular reason -- I am in no way limiting her capabilities. Izzy CAN do so much. She is a beautiful picture of perseverance. It may just take her longer to get to the end goal, or she may have to attack it differently... but she will get there.

The book shares six times to distinguish can't versus won't:

• Resistant/avoidant behavior - Often, children with autism are struggling with really understanding what you are asking. Communication is tough. Sometimes resistance is a way to say, "Help me. I don't understand."
• Attention-seeking behavior - Social interactions are hard for children with autism. Some children, like Izzy, love to be with others. However, there are many times when she doesn't understand social norms. Ask, "How is she trying to communicate with this attention-seeking behavior?"
• Self-regulation - Children with autism are always trying to calm themselves. You may see a child with autism flapping his or her hands or you may hear or see stimming (rocking and/or making loud noises). This is a "can't". This is something that a child with autism needs to do; it is out of their control. Once in a while, Izzy will flap her hands... we just sing, "I can make your hands flap!" (to the tune of "HandClap" by Fitz and the Tantrums) LOL! 
• Entertainment/fun - It's always interesting to me how Izzy will behave in public and around peers versus at home. What a difference! Like I said before, Izzy rises to the occasion. There are still some things that make Izzy nervous, but, man, she will try it if she sees others do it! It really helps me to determine between "can't" and "won't".  
• Control - Children with autism have little control over their little bodies. When an opportunity for control arises, they often jump on it! For example, Izzy wants to control the radio in the car. As sick as I am of listening to "Come Alive" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack on repeat, I let her choose the music in the car. Is it a big deal or little deal? Really, in the big scheme of things, it's a little deal. It makes her happy and gives her a sense of control in her crazy, mixed-up, out of control world. Am I letting her run the show? Absolutely not. However, when I get in the car without Izzy, you better believe, I turn the station and enjoy every single second of George Strait! #itsthelittlethings
• Retribution - Some think that a child may act a certain way to get back at them... I have a hard time with this one. I truly believe that children (with or without autism) are learning to behave and function in this world. Often, children will repeat the behaviors they see in adults and behaviors that are positively reinforced. However, when feeling this way, it's important to ask, "Is this a feeling that I am having as a parent?" and "Is there a trigger to this behavior?"

I am, by no means, a parenting expert. Every day, I learn something new... through Izzy and sometimes through research. One thing I know to be true: what works for one child doesn't always work with another. I truly believe that we are better together, and by sharing ideas, we can be the best parents. Parenting is exhausting but oh so worth it. Life is so much better when we strive to better understand each other. We are all facing hard battles. Choose kind. Sometimes that kindness is patience. It's taking the time to understand the reason why. And sometimes kindness is listening to that same song over, and over, and over... yeah, whatever!